ITSNOTPOSSIBLE.NL

The IENS Guide: the grotesque Dutch equivalent of the Michelin Guide.

You can probably judge one country's food culture (and standards) by its restaurant guides. France has the Michelin guide, Italy has the Gambero Rosso, Holland has IENS, the "independent and reliable" restaurant guide.
The logo looks elegant and authoritative but, as the old saying goes, never judge a book by its cover. Literally.
Quickly browse through its pages and you'll find out that the yutz who wrote the guide can't tell the difference between eating and stuffing junk down your throat.
Of course, everything is subjective. But this guide crosses the line of ridicule.
They give a 1 to 10 mark to food, service and decor. Let's stick to food, since service doesn't even exist here.
The "independent and reliable" IENS guide gives a 7.5 out of 10 mark to.... Burger King!
KFC gets a 7 out of 10.
De Kas, a fine restaurant opened by a Michelin starred chef, gets 7.8. And La Rive, the only 2 Michelin stars restaurant in Amsterdam, gets 8.5.
So there's only 0.3 points between De Kas and Burger King, and only 1 point between Burger King and La Rive.
Interesting.
But this pathetic imitation of a guide is filled with tons of hilarious gems: Small World, a decent take-away place on Binnen Oranjestraat 14 serves sandwiches, quiches and salads that are probably considered exquisite by Dutch standards but they're just that: sandwiches, quiches and salads. It's not even technically a restaurant. But who cares, right?
Their score? 8.5 out of 10. Just like La Rive.

The Invisible Customer. Episode 1: Invisible Customer vs. Brain-dead Waitress

LOCATION:
Café Baton, Herengracht 82, lunchtime.

CAST:
Me and a friend.................Invisible Customers
The Baton Staff.................The Brain-Dead Waitresses

DURATION:
40 minutes

THE PLOT:
Two invisible customers (Me and a friend) go to Café Baton for lunch. They sit at the table. Of course there's no menu on the table.
They wait for somebody to show up with the menu or to take the orders. Nobody in sight. Suddenly a waitress walks by. One of the invisible customers tries to grab her attention but in vain. She's gone already.
For the next 30 minutes no waitress in sight. Bird flu? Sudden extinction? The mystery thickens.
After 40 minutes the invisible customers decide to give up. But wait! On their way out, at the door, a waitress suddenly appears. She smiles and with a chilling high pitched voice she says: "Doeiiiiiiiiii!!!"

THE END

Why Dutch espresso is so crap

I don't expect every country in the world to have a food culture. And in "food culture" I stress "food" (as in: stuff that comes on a plate, not on a slice of bread - with the notable exception of bruschetta, which is delicious) and "culture" (as in: appreciating the subtle nuances in flavors instead of stuffing yourself with something as cheap as possible, preferably on bread).

I don't even expect every country in the world to make a good espresso (even the French suck at that).
But when you find out that Dutch espresso is usually so crap not because of a lack of espresso culture but because bars want to save money and are ready to do anything to save a few cents here and there (and I will reveal the shocking meaning of "anything" in the next paragraph - you've been warned), then it gets sickening.
First let's clarify the difference between Dutch espresso and Espresso.
A Dutch espresso usually fills the cup. That's because the Dutch feel they get ripped off if only half of the cup is filled (they paid for the whole cup, right?). That usually waters down the flavor of the already tasteless espresso even more and makes the coffee very watery instead of the dense coffee bean nectar it should be.
A Dutch espresso usually has a very pale, beige crema that disappears as soon as you dip your little spoon in the coffee, instead of the thick dark crema that it should have.
A Dutch espresso is boiling hot and burns your tongue.
A Dutch espresso tastes like old, burned, sour coffee.
Oh, and by the way, a Dutch espresso is usually twice as expensive as a good espresso in Milan.

That said, let's see why.
There are two reasons, and they all have to do with money (surprised?).
First reason is that to save money, your typical Dutch baristas grind their beans very coarse, so they're able to use less coffee to fill the filter. This usually makes the water flow through the filter as if you were flushing a toilet and the taste goes down the toilet too.
Second reason is quite shocking. I got this information from a bar owner in Amsterdam and I find it quite easy to believe.
Apparently it's a common practice in some Dutch bars and restaurants (don't know how common) to RECYCLE the burnt coffee residue of their machine (basically what's left in the filter after you made the coffee). So to save money, what they do instead of throwing it away is keep it, let it dry, mix it with "new" coffee and use it again. Hmmmm. yummy.
Soylent Green

INVASION OF THE BRAIN DEAD WAITRESSES. Part 1: Cantine West, Westergasfabriek.

There are dozens of them. They all look the same. Same clueless smile. Same empty eyes. They probably come from the same planet. And they are bloody dangerous. It's Invasion of the brain dead waitresses.

The Abyss: of food quality, that is.

"Finally!" I thought. A proper restaurant, with a proper menu (not only BFK* but warm dishes) AND open for lunch. I couldn't believe my eyes. Sadly, my eyes were only the first of a series of things I couldn't believe.
I went there with a friend, the place was almost empty but they managed to make us wait for more than half an hour. No big deal: if you lived in Holland for more than half an hour, chances are that you spent most of that time waiting anyway.
I ordered a very simple dish as a starter: a caprese salad. For the food challenged people out there, a caprese salad is basically some mozzarella cheese and some tomatoes with basil and some dressing. That's it.
The menu even mentioned that it was "Buffala" mozzarella, which is a good thing because it's the best kind.

How did they manage to fuck that up it beyond me. The ingredients were there, no weird useless extra ingredient like "rode pesto". So what did they do? THEY SERVED IT HOT FROM THE OVEN.

How can you serve a Caprese salad HOT FROM THE OVEN??? So I complained with the brain dead Dutch waitress, who replied "That's how we do it here. And it's written on the menu". Which of course was not true (see picture). So she said "Oh, it's written only on the Dutch menu", which was a lie too.
I won't even talk about the asian dish I ordered next because it was crap and so expensive it was almost a joke.
PLEASE never, but never go there. Even if you're starving.

*BFK is the Dutch addition to BLT and it means Broodje Fucking Kass.

Dutch logic #1: You open a restaurant and you decide to keep it closed at lunch time.

"The food here is terrible, and the portions are so small." (W.Allen)

Somebody has to explain it to me, from a business point of view. Why would you open a restaurant and keep it closed at lunch time? People eat an average of three times a day, right? A restaurant is a business, right? Lunchtime, for a restaurant, should represent more or less 30% of its revenue. Why on Earth would you keep it closed at lunchtime? A restaurant is a public service, isn't it? The owner of a restaurant once told me that he would have to pay more taxes if he opened at lunch time. First of all, this is not a reason to keep it closed. You are supposed to provide a service, Menheer. A SERVICE. Capish? Second, if this taxation system allowed such a surreal situation to live and prosper, there's something wrong with the system: the owners who keep their restaurant closed for lunch are the ones should be punished with higher taxes because they occupy a space that's meant to be for a public service and they don't provide that service.

I HATE broodje f*cking kaas.

Lunchtime. You're hungry. It's fucking cold outside. The usual horizontal rain. You want something warm to eat. Something good and tasty, prepared with love and care. Something simple, nothing extraordinary. And suddenly a small orange devil appears and you hear him pronounce those words, with a heavy Dutch accent: It's not poshiboll!

Welcome to Helland.

Wherever you go, the restaurants look different but the menu is always the same: broodje fucking kaas, broodje fucking rode pesto, broodje fucking whatever.
Ok, there's usually a couple of salads in the menu. But who wants a salad with this weather?
I guess having a proper menu with proper meals would be too expensive. Or simply too much of a pain.
Thinking about it, maybe it's better this way. We wait 45 minutes for a broodje fucking kaas. Imagine how long we would wait for a proper warm meal.

NB: on a positive note, when you had to deal with this for years your survival instinct makes you hunt for a decent restaurant where they serve a decent meal for lunch for a decent price. They are harder to find than fresh fish at your local Albert Hein but they exist. As a sign of my infinite gratitude you will find them in the Dutch Heaven section. They saved my life, so they could save yours.