You can probably judge one country's food culture (and standards) by its restaurant guides. France has the Michelin guide, Italy has the Gambero Rosso, Holland has IENS, the "independent and reliable" restaurant guide.
The logo looks elegant and authoritative but, as the old saying goes, never judge a book by its cover. Literally.
Quickly browse through its pages and you'll find out that the yutz who wrote the guide can't tell the difference between eating and stuffing junk down your throat.
Of course, everything is subjective. But this guide crosses the line of ridicule.
They give a 1 to 10 mark to food, service and decor. Let's stick to food, since service doesn't even exist here.
The "independent and reliable" IENS guide gives a 7.5 out of 10 mark to.... Burger King!
KFC gets a 7 out of 10.
De Kas, a fine restaurant opened by a Michelin starred chef, gets 7.8. And La Rive, the only 2 Michelin stars restaurant in Amsterdam, gets 8.5.
So there's only 0.3 points between De Kas and Burger King, and only 1 point between Burger King and La Rive.
Interesting.
But this pathetic imitation of a guide is filled with tons of hilarious gems: Small World, a decent take-away place on Binnen Oranjestraat 14 serves sandwiches, quiches and salads that are probably considered exquisite by Dutch standards but they're just that: sandwiches, quiches and salads. It's not even technically a restaurant. But who cares, right?
Their score? 8.5 out of 10. Just like La Rive.
Helland's PIN (Possible It's Not) Machines and the Lenin Mausoleum Effect
One of the few places where you can still find service in Holland is in the phrase "Out of Service". It's everywhere. And the best way to bump into it is to look for an ATM (a.k.a. PIN machine).
A friend of mine who's been living here for much longer than me told me that when he moved from the US (we're talking early Nineties, not pre-war) there was no such thing as ATMs (a.k.a. PIN machines) in Holland. That says a lot about the disastrous state of service here and how backwards the service culture has always been.
Maybe I 've just been unlucky, but I have the impression that the state of ATMs today has not improved that much. In fact, it's probably getting worse. I live in a neighborhood (South of Westerpark) where they're constantly building new apartment buildings so the population in the area is obviously increasing.
But in two years the number of ATMs in area dropped from 4 to 1.
If I count the extended area of Jordaan+ South of Westerpark, the ATMs dropped from 7 to 4. Now if you consider that one or two of them are probably out of service (don't ask why), you have the infamous Lenin Mausoleum Effect: ridiculously long queues that you wouldn't expect to find this side of Trabantland.
Of course, what doesn't help is that the average Dutch person takes 20 Euros out at a time, which multiplies his visits to the few working ATMs in the country. But that's another story.
The Invisible Customer. Episode 2: Invisible Customer vs The Blind Optician
BASED ON A TRUE STORY (unfortunately)!
CAST:
Itsnotpossible.nl reader Paul....................The invisible Customer
Pearle Optician............................................The Blind Optician
Pearle Optician staff....................................The Other Blind Dude
LOCATION: Pearle Opticians
THE PLOT
I arrive for my contact lens appointment just as one of the staff is unlocking
the door. In perfect Dutch I say that I have an appointment at 10 o'clock - in
other words right now - and he says to go and take a seat upstairs.
I wait as staff go up and down the stairs past me, some say good
morning. I smile pleasantly back and return the greeting.
The contact lens guy is nowhere to be seen. I wait. I read. I read the same three weeks old Elsevier
article again (or was it HP De Tijd, I was so bored I can't recall).
Now it is 10:15. Just as I am about to go downstairs to ask one
of the other staff what the problem is, the contact lens guy comes down from
the next floor up.
He ignores me even though I am sitting outside his room,
even though there is no-one else in sight and the fact that I look up at him,
smiling a greeting. He continues to ignore me.
At 10:20, just as I am about to stand up and approach the contact lens guy, who
by this time has a phone to his ear, he asks me if I am here for contact
lenses. Stopping myself from giving a sarcastic reply I tell him about the
appointment.
"It's not possible!"
Continue reading "The Invisible Customer. Episode 2: Invisible Customer vs The Blind Optician" »
The Invisible Customer. Episode 1: Invisible Customer vs. Brain-dead Waitress
LOCATION:
Café Baton, Herengracht 82, lunchtime.
CAST:
Me and a friend.................Invisible Customers
The Baton Staff.................The Brain-Dead Waitresses
DURATION:
40 minutes
THE PLOT:
Two invisible customers (Me and a friend) go to Café Baton for lunch. They sit at the table. Of course there's no menu on the table.
They wait for somebody to show up with the menu or to take the orders. Nobody in sight. Suddenly a waitress walks by. One of the invisible customers tries to grab her attention but in vain. She's gone already.
For the next 30 minutes no waitress in sight. Bird flu? Sudden extinction? The mystery thickens.
After 40 minutes the invisible customers decide to give up. But wait! On their way out, at the door, a waitress suddenly appears. She smiles and with a chilling high pitched voice she says: "Doeiiiiiiiiii!!!"
THE END
Why Dutch espresso is so crap
I don't expect every country in the world to have a food culture. And in "food culture" I stress "food" (as in: stuff that comes on a plate, not on a slice of bread - with the notable exception of bruschetta, which is delicious) and "culture" (as in: appreciating the subtle nuances in flavors instead of stuffing yourself with something as cheap as possible, preferably on bread).
I don't even expect every country in the world to make a good espresso (even the French suck at that).
But when you find out that Dutch espresso is usually so crap not because of a lack of espresso culture but because bars want to save money and are ready to do anything to save a few cents here and there (and I will reveal the shocking meaning of "anything" in the next paragraph - you've been warned), then it gets sickening.
First let's clarify the difference between Dutch espresso and Espresso.
A Dutch espresso usually fills the cup. That's because the Dutch feel they get ripped off if only half of the cup is filled (they paid for the whole cup, right?). That usually waters down the flavor of the already tasteless espresso even more and makes the coffee very watery instead of the dense coffee bean nectar it should be.
A Dutch espresso usually has a very pale, beige crema that disappears as soon as you dip your little spoon in the coffee, instead of the thick dark crema that it should have.
A Dutch espresso is boiling hot and burns your tongue.
A Dutch espresso tastes like old, burned, sour coffee.
Oh, and by the way, a Dutch espresso is usually twice as expensive as a good espresso in Milan.
That said, let's see why.
There are two reasons, and they all have to do with money (surprised?).
First reason is that to save money, your typical Dutch baristas grind their beans very coarse, so they're able to use less coffee to fill the filter. This usually makes the water flow through the filter as if you were flushing a toilet and the taste goes down the toilet too.
Second reason is quite shocking. I got this information from a bar owner in Amsterdam and I find it quite easy to believe.
Apparently it's a common practice in some Dutch bars and restaurants (don't know how common) to RECYCLE the burnt coffee residue of their machine (basically what's left in the filter after you made the coffee). So to save money, what they do instead of throwing it away is keep it, let it dry, mix it with "new" coffee and use it again. Hmmmm. yummy.
Soylent Green
Maybe from the same people who say "if you don't like it go back home"?
A friend of mine, a fucking foreiger, got this note some time ago because he - I quote - "put the garbage at the wrong time". Uuuuuuuhhhhh
DUTCH HEAVEN: Golden Chopsticks and Oriental City. How do you say "Thank you! Thank you! You saved my life!" in Chinese?
If you have been living in Amsterdam for more than six hours chances are that you are already sick and tired of sandwiches for lunch. The problem is: it could take you another six months to find a decent alternative.
And by decent I mean something that in any other European capital would be considered just normal:
- a restaurant open at lunch time
- a proper menu where food is not only served cold and on bread.
- a normal selection of warm dishes, for God's sake. Not only THE omelette and THE bloody soup of the day, which by the way is almost every day the same tomato soup, since it's the cheapest to make.
- somebody who doesn't show up after 30 minutes that you've been sitting there, asking you "do you want to look at the menu?".
- not ridiculously overpriced.
Well, it took me a while but I found two restaurants that saved my life here in Amsterdam and that tick all the boxes: Golden Chopsticks and Oriental City, both on the Oude Doelenstraat, a couple of minutes walk from Dam Square.
You can't miss Oriental City, a huge corner restaurant on two floors. Probably the best Dim Sum in town, fast service and excellent prices.
But the real gem is Golden Chopsticks, on the ground floor. Neon lights and a look that reminds me more of Bulgaria than China, but the food is absolutely fantastic (try the noodle soup - nr 6 - or the fried rice - nr. 24), service is excellent and superfast (thank you, my dear Chinese waitresses) and it's also reasonably priced.
No brain-dead Dutch waitresses in sight (aaah, thank you! thank you!), no bread in the menu (thank you! thank you! thank you!), no excruciating waiting times and proper warm, tasty restaurant food.
Yes, it's f***ing possible.
When Out of Stock gets Out of Control.
After six years in the Out of Stock capital of Europe I heard all the excuses you can imagine.
"Well, there's not a lot of space in Holland, you know?"
"Yes, usually we have it but with the holidays..."
"Jaaa, it's very difficult to find it."
"Jaaaa, it's custom made, you know. So we have to build it for you."
But I still have to hear the one and only honest excuse: "We don't give a shit about customers and service. We just want to save us trouble and a few cents".
Is Jencikova still outside the Eurozone?
Remember the shop that took one third of a year to deliver my couch? I wonder how long it will take them to realize that Amsterdam has been in the Eurozone since 2002.
Last year (more than 2 years after the Death of the Guilder) I decided to get a new fabric to cover my couch. I went to the shop, chose the fabric and asked two questions: when and how much.
I am not even talking about the "when" part (suffice to say that it took a quarter of a year to make and deliver five pieces of fabric. Even silkworms are faster).
But when I asked how much, the answer was something more than 3500 Euros.
From that moment on, the conversation went more or less like that:
Me - More than 3000 Euros?? But I paid my couch around 3000 Guilders, which is half of that price. Are you sure??
Dutch dude - Oh yes. Price went up in two years in Holland, you know?
Me - Yes but the fabric can't cost twice as much as the couch. It's ridiculous.
Dutch dude - That's the price it says in the catalogue. Look.
Me - Are you sure your catalogue is not still in guilders?
Dutch dude - Ah ah. Of course. This is a new catalogie. It's in Euros.
Me - Can you please double-check? Ask somebody else?
Dutch dude - One moment, if you want I can call our supplier.
(10 mins phone conversation in Dutch goes here - including a few laughters)
Me - So?
Dutch dude (smiling, amused, not sorry) - Well.... yes, you were right, the prices in the catalogue are in Guilders.
Does that mean that for more than two years Jencikova was actually selling furniture at twice the price?
I don't even want to know.
Don't want to go there.
And for your own good, don't go there either.
