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Soft Cell - What!

Video- *
Song- *

"WHAT!" Is Right!!!

Whoever made this has an illness. Did they really think this would go mainstream and be popular? Well, that's not always the main goal of musicians, but in the 80s it was the goal 90% of the time. On the other hand, this goofy type of video was somehow a trend of the time and reminds me of another disaster. The vid is very Andy Warhol, Roy Lichtenstein, and Pop Art style, but is there really any point to it?
The song is pretty catchy but I don't consider that a necessarily good quality at all and furthermore it's incredibly goofy. It's slightly 60s Motown which was a popular thing in the 80s, but the song's style doesn't match the Andy Warhol style at all. The music Andy Warhol was involved with was much more psychedelic. No, sorry I mean psychedelic.

Sylvester - Do You Wanna Funk?

Video- *
Song- *

Look- Even HE Wants It To Stop!

I think the simple answer to this question is: "Ummm- NO!" Every time I see this vid it's like- DUDE- WHAT are you DOING!?!?!? Apparently somebody forgot to tell him that disco was dead, and that he was never gonna get away with trying to impersonate Aretha Franklin. The song is full of effects and trashy 80s sounds. This thing with the mic can't sing and the chorus is sorta catchy but it's hard to believe ANYBODY would dance to this. I guess that's why the video producers felt the need to include the audience. They were probably actually at a U2 concert.
The "director of cinematography" isn't exactly doing a great job here either. I mean it's almost halfway through the performance that the spotlight actually shows up on the... person... thing... whatever IT is. He's giving the impression he's male but that limp wrist the whole time makes me wonder. Of course, he might be... oh I dunno.... GAY?!? Nah- that's just crazy talk.

Billy Ocean - Loverboy

Video- ???
Song- **.75

Trashfan Wildlife Special Report:
Bizarre Creatures Of The Horrific Ocean

Guest Trashy Nature Reporter: Joey Headset

Everybody knows Billy Ocean can deliver a smooth ballad (e.g. "Love Zone") and obviously he can move the dancefloor (e.g. "Caribbean Queen"), but did you know that Mr. Ocean can also RAWK the HELL OUT?
Though best known for his danceable R&B grooves, Billy Ocean's "Loverboy" is a straight up rock song, complete with fuzzed out guitars, power chords a-plenty and even a reasonably competent guitar solo! Though the musical arrangement is not what we've come to expect from Billy, the lyrics cover familiar territory: Billy telling the listener that he intends to be your Lovah- Lovah- Lovahboy. Classic!
The song is undeniably awesome, but what about the video? Like most epic tales, this video begins in outer space. Yes, THAT outer space. As we hear the song's atmospheric synth opening, we see flashes of light and strange cosmic phenomena. It all seems to suggest that the music of Mr. Ocean was THE catalyst that triggered the Big Bang and thus the creation of the universe. An intriguing theory, and one I've personally suspected for many years. Despite this auspicious intro, the video goes downhill. Fast. First, we see this guy riding a horse on the beach. Except, it's not a guy. It's an alien. The alien wanders into a cave, except it's not a cave, it's some kinda alien watering hole. Imagine the cantina scene from Star Wars if the Art Director had been tweaked out on crystal meth.
"Where's Billy?" you might ask. Good question. I'm no physicist, but it seems the man has gotten himself stuck in a self-sustaining holographic matrix. Or maybe it's a trans-dimensional portal? Either way, this... thingy allows Billy to provide musical entertainment to the entire bar. As he does, the alien guy orders a drink, pulls out a blaster, shoots some demonic creep and steals his woman... a HOTT purple haired goat-like creature. I shit you not, this actually happens in the video. Finally the alien couple go riding off into the sunset. Literally.
So I'm not really sure what to make of this video. On a conceptual level, it was clearly before its time. WAY before. Maybe someday, in the far future, it will make perfect sense. Until then... W T F ???????????????

Shannon - Give Me Tonight

Video- *.5
Song- **.75

Give Her Tonight? No- GIVE HER A LIFE!!!

HEL-LO! Trippy enough for ya??? Whoever made this video wasn't exactly ahead of their time... in fact, maybe they wer behind their time. Like WAY behind. Although I have to admit, a lot of this kind of thing was going on in the 80s- like telling a story in the video and not really caring if things looked, well, retarded. This one is almost exactly the same.
The song... I don't know... the verse is very dreary and you're like, wait- is this a song or the sound or puke set to music? The chorus is just OK, but it's kinda catchy and it's just so uber 80s.
I gave the vid 4 stars for pure laughability. Why is the DANCER GUY lip synching the lyrcs??? What is with the dude with the TERRIBLY BAD hairdo doing in the video AT ALL??? Why is Shannon wearing that ridiculous headress??? I guess that's why she's wandering aimlessly, constantly looking around looking clueless... Stay tuned to trashfan.com in the future for Shannon's hit, "Let The Music Play".

B-52's - Song For A Future Generation

Video- **.5
Song- *.5

Un K...

K first you get all these numbers flying at you, and I'm wondering if this is the number of seconds I'll be able to stand this video, nah- 80 seconds? WAY too long. This is obviously a very very special video. And I mean the kind of special that Ralph from The Simpsons thinks he is. They're obviously just havin' a bit of fun, but I just don't quite get it. There's an attempt at style here, but it's hard for me to know what the style is trying to say about the message of the song.
I do like some of the other songs from this band. The lead woman's voice is one of my all-time favorites in music hands down- just one of those voices I could listen to all day and not get tired of. Is it just me or does she remind anyone else of Miss Yvonne from Pee Wee's Playhouse? Their other good songs include: "Deadbeat Club", "Hot Pants Explosion", "Private Idaho", "Summer Of Love", and of course the two all-time classics "Roam" and "Love Shack" but this one just doesn't grab me like the rest.

Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax (Version One)

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Song- *

Too Trashy Even For trashfan.com!

Whatever.

I'm not even gonna start on this one.

Toni Basil - Mickey

Video- ***.75
Song- ****.25

Toni.... Basil??????

WTF? Who is this chick? W-T-F is she babbling about? Do I really care? Well, actually, there times when I'm in between red carpet events, or not busy giving world leaders advice, or simply pondering whether I should really show up at the Nobel Prize convention to accept my several awards, when I think, "just what IS a Toni Basil?" A Toni Basil is one of those things that crosses your mind when you think the rest of the world is absolute shit and couldn't give a crap whether you got that Nobel Peace Prize or not. Kofi Annan once told me, "DUDE- you gotta let Toni Basil go. She's a total slut and those retarded pom-pom-toting antics of hers are just SO passe."
Anyway I guess there's a point to all her video's tom-foolery: to promote the song. And it does so. Not so nicely, but it does so. Um. Please watch this video. I mean, sure she's a bitch and all, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

ABC - The Look Of Love

Video- *
Song- **

This Band Blows

It seems more and more I'm reviewing these vids which leave me speechless. This is definitely one of them. I just can't figure out why people would actually sit around and come to an agreement that this is even a semi-decent video. There's so much goofiness going on it's ridiculous. It's definitely one of the most retarded trashfan vids. There were so many stupid looking screenshots I had to leave out, so I decided to choose three.
There's the flying nun, the guy with rollerskates falling, the guy frantically eating spaghetti... the list just goes on and on and I can't understand why they chose to use any of it! What does any of this have to do with the song??? Frankly, I think they're just totally clueless.
And, the song... I dunno, it's ok. I definitely like the bass line and the way the drums work with it is pretty nice. It's also got a nice clean 80s sound to it. Other than that, it's just ok. It's not like I would listen to it when there's anybody else around.

Falco - Der Kommissar

Video- *hurl*
Song- **.5

Duh... Kommissar's In Town...

WTF is up with this? Don't you just flippin LOVE, or possibly HATE the way the vid starts out. It's like COME ON, dude, PLEASE get a life. Unfortunately, the dude died in 1998 (!), so he really can't. I just can't understand why he felt the need to be so retarded in this vid. It's obviously a cry for help. Professional help.
The song is just so uber-catchy. That's not necessarily a good or bad thing, it just means it can be very annoying at times. I was sure there was a English version to it, but then again I start to wonder- do I really care? No. I have to say that while the chorus is fun, the rest of the song is just SO BLAH. It's like "blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.... duh kommissar's in town- whoa oh OH..." But I will admit to attempting to do the Roger Rabbit to it. We're all human... at least I am, not sure about this freak.

Animotion - Obsession

Video- ???
Song- ???

<Singing> I'm Her Obsession, She's A Slut

How retarded are these people, really? Like, what are they trying to accomplish here? SERIOUSLY!!! They can't be for real, this must be a joke, a 80's parody or spoof. Who ever heard of ANIMOTION anyway!?!!? Don't you just hate all the smug looks? Sadly, it's not a spoof, as I remember this song from my childhood. Back then, I guess I thought it had a nice sound, but let's face it even a 5 year old can smell cheese, and this reeks.
I think the girl is trying to get our attention- what's that she's babbling about? "Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly, I will collect you, and capture you." Is THAT what butterflies do? I mean I don't honestly know but I thought they had better things to do then making trouble with cocky, sport-jacket-wearing yuppies. That could be the most retarded lyric ever- oh wait- it's about HER collecting the butterfly. Oh ok. Well it's still dumb.
The ratings for this song and video: sorry, I had to give up, it's too ridiculous for anyone to judge. And, HEY HEY- DON'T go write on the vid's comment page on YouTube that it's your freakin' favorite song or whatever, or that there's some kind of hidden message within all of that "ass-making-of themselvesery"- I will completely disown you! ALL of you!!!