trashfan.com

The Pointer Sisters - Jump

Video- ****.5
Song- *****

Urkel Rating: 9.6

Now we're back into the swing of things with this TRULY 80s video, in fact you don't get more 80s than this. The sisters are putting their all into it and giving it their absolute best, but even so there are obviously some frames where they don't look so flattering. If you're white and ever wondered if black people were always cool or if sometimes they could be a bit geeky, well this just confirms we're all the same color of geek deep down. There are times when the lead sister does a squatting move and for a second I forget it's a video and I get the impression they're on a camping trip and there's no toilets around. Her big teeth probably don't help much.
The song is quintessentially 80s and is very uplifting and warm. I've always liked it, aside from its slightly geeky quality. The beginning with the synths and the sporadic vocals really draw you in, and the vocals getting higher draw you in even more. Ok, it was totally out of fashion in 1995 but that doesn't mean it can't come back- a lot of things have. Good job, sista's- work on the movements a bit, though, for "next time".
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The Source Feat. Candi Staton - You Got The Love

Video- ****
Song- *****

Creeps Steal Singer Staton's Identity

OK OK, so it's not exactly an 80s vid. From 1991... well, it's close enough. Plus just like the Color Me Badd song I just reviewed, it has that 80s vibe about it. I also think it's a fantastic song. The video version and the song version are a tad different as the vid version has some extra effects but they're similar enough. It's a musical experiment this one, as it has that sequence running all the way through it making things in-key one moment, and off-key the next. The result is a highly interesting musical endeavor in which the first time you hear it you might think "That's kinda odd," but then once you get into it you love it. Apparently the vocal was made acappella in 1986.
The video is pretty funny at times. You have all these weird-looking folk trying to be Candi Staton wannabe's. It starts off with a guy lip-syncing Candi's vocal which is a nice touch, making it as interesting as the song. With some of the goofy-looking characters you think- "That's the first and last time YOU'LL be in a music video!" I might have given the vid 5 stars but since it's not really an 80s song it deserves 4 for the purposes of this site. Besides, it's more classy than trashy and trashy is what we LURRVE.
For a good spin-off of the song, check out "Namuka Bay" on this site.

Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up

Video- ****
Song- *****

Remove Unsightly Band Members

So technically it's 1991 when this vid came out but it always gives me that 80s feeling, even though I must say it sounds just that little bit more advanced. The beginning with the "tick tock, you don't stop" is really clever and hot, and sounds good throughout. The whole song is very sexy, as it should be because of the title. The "Oooh" melody is perfect and innovative, as well as the soft bell/xylophone which seems to really hit the spot. What spot I don't know but anyway it's a nice hip-hopish-type song, especially for a band coming from Oklahoma.
Unfortunately, some of the band members don't really increase the sexiness, nor do their "dance moves"- tell me they're not doing the Roger Rabbit. I didn't know Vanilla Ice could do falsetto but when he says "I've been dying for you girl to make love to me" it kinda makes me cringe but it's a nice cringe- kinda. Seriously though, his vocal is very well done and he gives a good range of styles and sounds. There's times when the song does make you cringe for a sex- I mean a second, but I just think it's a great song and well done. I also like their song "All 4 Love" (from the same album, "C. M. B.") which is fun, poppy and hip-hoppity-happenin'.
Some of the best lyrics, possibly of all time: "Makin' love until we drown."
Yes, there are some hair issues such as the red-curly-haired-guy (what is he even doing in the video? I bet the dance moves were his idea) and the other one which I can't describe- well, his hair could just use a little updating. Otherwise a good vid- "Feels so right it can't be wrong!"

Simple Minds - Alive And Kicking

Video- ****.5
Song- *****

They're Not Hair Experts, OK?

Is it just me or does this guy look exactly like Tom Hulce who played Mozart in Amadeus in 1984? Maybe it's 'cause this song came out in 1985. The song starts off slow but very enticing, and optimistic, and things just get better. It's a fantastic song, I listen to it over and over and it never gets old. Speaking of getting old, and moldy- I don't know what's up with the mushroom haircut but if she wants to look like fungus it's her prerogative. Anyway, back to the serious musical critique: the vocals soar and make you want to sing along. Of course you can tell it's the 80's but I think it's a song that can hold its own today and still sounds great. The lyrics are great too, to remember to stick with something, especially love, until it comes alive. It's so easy to give up sometimes it's great to have a song like this to help you to be determined.
The video starts off with them lying on the ground and you're thinking "damn this is one lazy-ass band" but eventually they stand up. It's in pure nature, probably Scotland (where the band is from) and the scenery is beautiful. The costumes are kinda dramatic, no wait, maybe they're not costumes, they're just clothes, well that happens sometimes when you're looking at 80s videos. Too many shoulder pads, by the way. The hair is a bit of an issue, not only the mushroom head but also the lead singer- at times it's not at all flattering and then there's the drummer with the mullet. Aside from these few superficial embarrassments, it's a great video.

Robert Palmer - Addicted To Love

Video- *****
Song- *****

Those Animatronic Mannequins Sure Can Play!

I'm just guessing, but I don't think the models are the actual, real band playing this song. It's just a hunch I have, call it a kind of magical intuition. This is one of those quintessential 80's songs and the video is just as amazing. Robert Palmer's voice is just gritty enough and has got a lot of power, and the rock sound coming from the distorted guitars is extremely powerful and dynamic. Seeing this on MTV back in the day was one of the reasons we loved MTV so much back then. It's really lost its edge somewhere along the way. When you saw this video it made you glad to be alive and a part of the 80's American-European scene.
Apart from the models' wages, there wasn't anything terribly expensive in the video, no special effects or cliches which seem to be used too often these days, or even occasionally back in those days, by a certain freak (which shall remain known as M. J. and made feature-length videos like the over-the-top Thriller). It was just a very simple idea and it's both ingenious and hilarious at the same time, not to mention ultra sexy and very classy. The idea was so good it was probably stolen by Alexander O'Neal, whose video is pretty similar in concept. See, back in my day we didn't have fast-paced special effects and expensive computer generated sets- by golly we had to make do with the European models and painted backdrops that we had and by golly that was good enough!
One more thing- who's playing the horns?

Wham! - Young Guns (Go For It)

Video- **
Song- *.5

Who's Gay? Not Them, No No!

I really don't understand this song. It's so hyper and the instruments are played so quickly it's hard to get a grasp on the music. I think it's George Michael trying to do the funk thing but it's just not really working. This is one of those embarrassing 80's disasters that all parties involved (including us, the viewers) are ashamed of. The song's "message": that young guns shouldn't get married, there's "danger in emotional ties- death by matrimony." Now why would a straight up, healthy heterosexual male say something like that? Here you can visit George Michael's website. I believe it's called www.agin'.com
I just realized that, actually, this video is merely the live performance, while the real video is actually pretty much exactly the same. I'll put it on this site once I start to actually care. As for this particular video, it pretty much follows the song. George Michael must truly be embarrassed watching it now, it's got him dancing around even campier than a drag queen, and there's a part where he's dancing with a cop. If the cop had been male, it would have been so much more appropriate. Extra points on this video for the disaster-quality. Watch out for that clever choreography- you could poke somebody's eye out with it.

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