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Pepsi & Shirley - Heartache

Video- ****
Song- *

In British English "Slapper" = Slut

Her name is Pepsi. Yeah, I don't have to say anything else do I- that's just her name. I don't know which one is Pepsi nor Shirley so I'll refer to the white one as the slapper and the black one as the ho. The ho really doesn't have the right lipstick but at least she can move ok. When the stupid slapper comes out she doesn't have a clue what she's doing. She looks literally retarded in every single frame. I hope that's actually a straight-jacket she's wearing. When I was searching for the screengrabs I really couldn't decide which frame looked more stupid. What is the need for the corset, exactly?
Apparently the white one was in Wham! but that's one bit of useful information that will forever remain utterly useless.
I hope you realize the four stars for the video is for Trash Quality only. That's the point of this site- you either get points for being good or trashy. Bad is also acceptable, though it shouldn't be horrible- understand? I dunno, these girls, man- they look like the biggest ho's I've ever seen. Such big ho's are they I've decided to call them the worst name ever: prostitutes. Especially the slapper she really is a prostitute and you know what? She works hard for her money, oh so hard for her money so you better treat her right!
The song is exactly that- a cheap copy of other 80's songs. Kinda catchy but otherwise just a bland attempt to make money and become famous, which never really happened. I like the part where it looks like the black ho is singing to the slapper's knees- it's like, whoa, what's going on, there? There's all this unnecessary pointing going on during the whole video which frankly just makes me sick. Actually the whores in this video may actually be the guys, I mean how much did they have to be paid just to stay in the same room with these two turkeys?

HAPPY 50th REVIEW TRASHFAN.COM!!!

Local Yokel Writes Reviews About Trash

That's right we've had an astounding 50 reviews about general rubbish, refuse, trash and basic garbage. We've seen Marvin Gaye's shocking camel lady beckon seductively (picture 3). We've seen ABC pointing accusatively without any good reason in "Poison Arrow" (2). We've seen Gloria making an absolute twat out of herself with the Miami Sound Machine and the ridiculous hit "Dr. Beat" (4). We've seen Mental As Anything... yes we have (5). Finally we've seen Bananarama when we really shouldn't have seen them at all (1). It's been a big-hair filled extravaganza of epic distortions. Whether it's listening for a good beat or dropping your jaw at the terrible fashion choices, we hope you continue to enjoy our classy yet sometimes snobby reviews of absolute filth.
Don't forget to check out the archives for your favorite freak- sorry, "recording artist"!
Here's some of our favorite reviews so far to look out for:

Prince – U Got The Look
Mai Tai – History
Miami Sound Machine – Dr. Beat
ABC – Poison Arrow
Mental As Anything – Live It Up
Spandau Ballet – True
Starship – We Built This City
Fat Larry's Band – Zoom
Bananarama – I Want You Back
Rod Stewart – Baby Jane
Spandau Ballet – Gold
Alexander O'Neal – Criticize
George Michael – Careless Whisper
Junior – Mama Used To Say
Pepsi & Shirley – Heartache

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Video- ***.5
Song- ****

Most Annoying Song Title To Type Out

Why is this Bono thing always shouting at me- it really gets my goat and scares me at the same time. Ok, ok, his voice is pretty nice in this song. It's a very touching song- but I just don't know where it comes from. Could it be that this kind of emotion is coming from the suffering in Ireland with the IRA and fighting going on? Maybe that's why their music confuses me, because I haven't dealt with that kind of thing. I agree it's a great song, but I just find it a bit fake for some reason. I think they're a band who struggle to feel confident and that's just not admirable to me. This is a band who came up with terrific, emotion-filled anthem like this one and "One" and "Pride (In The Name Of Love)", and yet they also came up with "Discotheque", which is just a bizarre take of a completely heterosexual band trying to do a gay club song. See what I mean?
The video is kinda goofy, especially near the end with that geeky guy. I can appreciate it because it's well done with the ordinary people and all, but with this song I feel maybe it downplays the emotion just a little. If this had been a different type of video done in a studio it would have lost that goofy feel and maybe they could have brought the emotion forward even more. Still, a great song and a pretty good video.

Madonna - Borderline

Video- ***.5
Song- ****.5

The Borderline Between Slut And Ho

Sorry to have two Madonna reviews so close together, I realize it's a bit of an overdose but I promise it might not happen again. Well, at least in this video Madonna looks more "innocent" than she usually does (HO- cough cough). She's a fashion model- apparently this is in one of her dreams. But hey, maybe it was her acting in these videos that she got parts in movies- her part in "Desperately Seeking Susan" wasn't exactly a cameo (unfortunately). What is she doing with the neon green socks, or that ridiculously big hat? What's with the black and white flamenco outfit? Why does she "X" out the statues' crotches? These are questions I'm just too bored to answer. Sorry.
The song has always been a favorite of mine, from 1984. It's not ultra-dynamic like James Brown's "Sex Machine" (the ultimate example of a good song in my opinon) but it has that driving bass and slow build-up which just really hits the spot when it comes down. Not overstated, just a plain good pop song.

Junior - Mama Used To Say

Video- *
Song- **.75

Nothing To Say Here- The Pictures Speak For Themselves

This song is just about as funny as the video, which is hilarious. This Urkel-type just dancing around lookin' like a total dweeb. He wouldn't have been popular in any high school. He's doin' the Michael Jackson "Ooh!" -yeah he's a real wannabe. I'm not sure what the child-drawn neighborhood and house is about, I guess it's just kinda artsy-fartsy crap. Ok, plus the song is about him growing up and what Mama used to say to him, mainly "Did you poo-poo in your diapee?"
I suppose he thinks he's really hot and he's thinking "Man, they're just gonna love these special effects- check it out, I can sit down on the cartoon couch!" It's a fairly good 80's soul song but the video would be embarrassing for anyone who had created it- even if it was the director of "Blair Witch" (it wasn't- at least I don't think so).

George Michael - Careless Whisper

Video- *.5
Song- ***.25

What The *!^@!#%$@!!! Is A Careless Whisper?!?!

I used to know a few people that thought he was good looking back then, but I'm starting to think they were blind. I don't care if you're into men or not, George Michael looks like a carwreck in this video. I think he looks better with shorter hair but here he looks like a circus freak. There's no way in hell he'd have these ladies looking at him like they do in this video, and furthermore, he probably wouldn't want that anyway. His skin makes him look like Donatella Versace and his hair makes him look like Ronald McDonald; the earrings, campy dancing and uber-drama don't make him look any sexier. Obviously he eventually knew this since he had such a dramatic style change in the coming years with "Faith." It was an improvement, but still it was nothing to get our hopes up for.
This is one of those songs you have to be in the right mood for, especially ever since around 1990- when this sound was really going out of fashion. It's an ok song, but it's so entirely cheesy and a gay guy singing to a woman just isn't that sincere an idea. You don't really want to be convinced by it, so the only thing left to do is laugh. The three stars and a quarter is for that catchy melody of the horns. I also like the part at the end where the beat starts to break down- sounds a little Latin, and it helps end the song really well. It would be interesting to use that beat for a whole song- perhaps a remix.

Madonna - Like A Virgin

Video- ***.5
Song- ****.5

Like, A Ho

I had no idea what this virgin thing was all about- what she was singing; I was too young. At one point I thought it was a bird- you know, it sounds like pigeon- I thought she was actually saying "birgeon" or something. Finally, I realized it wasn't that but then I got confused again and thought it was about a doctor- *like a surgeon*. Once I realized what it was really about (sometime between 1987 and 92) I think I thought she was a bit of a ho. But after that I figured she was pretty brave and now I respect her for it. So she came up with something a bit shocking- so what- that's what life is about. It's not even that shocking. It's in the "Just Plain Trash" category for its trashy quality, but I think there is more than just trash there: there's Madonna's own drive and determination which seems to ooze through the TV screen like- like something that oozes- like... a virgin... ewwww.
This is a great song, musically, for its style, great beginning, driving bass and "material girl attitude". This is one of the songs that set the standard for Madonna's musical endeavors ever since and it is a great piece of musicianship. Catchy for the young and old, Madonna's music penetrates pop culture like a knife through butter.
The video, set in Venice, has probably been seen by everyone born since 1970 or so- it must have helped Venice's tourist industry at least a little. It's an ok vid, don't know about the lipstick but it is what it needs to be, no more, no less.

Alexander O'Neal - Criticize

Video- *****
Song- *****

AKA Mr. Bunny's Little Visit To The Whorehouse

This song is SO 1987, like in the same vein as Paula Abdul, brings back memories of Milli Vanilli and Pebbles. Smelly, huh? But I think it's a great song and the whole video is funny as hell. I love the part at the beginning when he looks annoyed. There's a lot of "beautiful" girls, well ok, some are quite pretty but they ALL look like snatchy ho's. I love the shot near the beginning with the one with the pulled-back hair and pink top and her friend has ten tons of makeup, not to mention they look like they're in the cheapest hole in Tijuana. Alex himself looks all sweaty and sleazy but that's what it all calls for, alright.
A friend of mine swears he's gay but I'm- confused! No, I mean I'm confused about ALEX- it's funny as hell he's got all these girls in his video but he's talking about how all they wanna do is criticize! That is really cracking me up as I write this. His face at the end doesn't help either! A FANTASTIC video- I really enjoyed writing the review for this and I hope a lot of other people get to see it 'cause I never even saw it until recently. This is the only video so far which is a part of ALL the categories!!! I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Also, check out Alexander O'Neal's identity snatcher: Colonel Abrams!

Chaka Khan - Ain't Nobody

Video- ****
Song- *****

Woodchuck Chaka Chuck Khan

This song reminds me of the second Ghostbusters movie's soundtrack- I don't know why. I used to think it was on that soundtrack but the song is 4 years earlier, from 1985, while the movie is 1989. Maybe it reminds me in some way to Bobby Brown's "On Our Own" -don't know why exactly. The low synth- the bass line, is very deep and sporadic but cool. It's kinda 70s funk but updated to an electro 80s sound which is exactly how things should be, drawing on the past but giving a new twist. It's got some videogame-type sounds which are nice and cute.
The video is nice, got this black guy twirling around- nice how you see the white silhouette while his body is as black as the background- what!? It's a cool effect, I'm not trying to be gay. Anyway who needs to try? Chaka herself does a good job in the vocal deparment and she's also lively in the vid. Weird hair but it suits her well. My version of the video seems very very cloudy- like bad quality cloudy. I'm not sure if it's only my copy or if the original looks like this too. Seems like maybe it could use some digital restoration- like they did with the old Star Wars, just clean it up a little, otherwise a good video.

Spandau Ballet - Gold

Video- *****
Song- ****.75

Needs Drama - YEAH RIGHT!

Yeah, this is New Wave Romantica at its flamingest, baby. This guy so wants to be in a soap opera SO BAD but he's in a music video instead so the frustration is written all over his face. I don't know what the gold thing is about- looks like our banker hero is trying to help out some idiot lady find her golden piece of crap. What she didn't know is that it was right in front of her moron self the whole time- literally. Doesn't she know it's not a good idea to put something on your back like that when in the sun? It'll give you tan lines.
I just don't get all the drama, the desert and the fake plot. This is trying to be like Indiana Jones or something but it doesn't work if you have a queer hairdo and act a little like Nathan Lane in "The Birdcage". For all this it gets LOTS of trashpoints. The song is really catchy and funny in a kitch way and that's all good. The only criticism I have is where's the 80's electro-synth's? It's there but not strong enough for me, still it's a minor thing. The drama translates in both the song and video so both are a pretty good production although TRASH-Y!